Saturday, 19 January 2013

A snow story…….. for Bill!

Friday - 6:00 PM. It started to snow.  The first real snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the hatch watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Christmas card scene.  After 20 years of living in a hot and dry country it was very exciting and so romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

Saturday - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?  Moving here and onto a canal boat was the best idea I've ever had.
Swept and shovelled for the first time in 40 years and felt like a boy again.  I did both the top of our boat and the towpath.  This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the towpath, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

Sunday - The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment. Our local friend, Bill tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have more snow and the canal may even freeze over.  No snow in winter would be awful!  Bill says we'll have so much snow and freezing weather by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible. Bill is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our friend.

Monday - Snow lovely snow!  Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -2. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by sweeping the snow off the roof of the boat and shovelling the towpath clear.
This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

Tuesday - Twelve inches forecast. Bought two extra shovels and a second broom. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case we can’t get resupplied with diesel. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

Wednesday - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ar** on the ice covering the towpath next to the boat putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour which I think was very cruel.

Thursday - Still way below freezing. Canals are frozen so we can’t go anywhere. We can’t refuel the boat or top up the water tank.  Because the diesel tank is nearly empty the stove can’t be turned on.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own narrowboat.

Friday – Walked a 2km round trip with a jerrican to get 20 litres of diesel so the stove can be used, but had another 6" of the damn stuff last night.  More shovelling.  Took all day.  Damn snowplough came by twice.  Tried to find a local kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing in the snow.  I think they're lying.  Called B&Q, Screwfix and Homebase to see about buying a petrol powered snow blower and they all claim they’re out of stock.   Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.  Bill says I have to shovel or CaRT will have it done and send me the bill.  I think he's lying. 

Saturday - Bill was right about a white winter because 6 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to sweep and shovel, and  then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again,  I was too tired to shovel. Tried to get Bill to shovel my section of the towpath for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the ar**hole is lying.

Sunday - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted  me to decorate the boat this morning.  What is she, nuts?!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. 

Monday - Six inches. Snow packed so hard by  people walking past on the towpath that l broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  Every muscle in my body aches…. even those I didn’t know I had.  If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplough I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes along at a hundred miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to go to the local pub with her and have a roast meal, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

Tuesday - Six more inches of the damn stuff tonight.  Snowed in.  The idea of sweeping and shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow!  Then the  snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a frickin' idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

Wednesday - Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves. 

Thursday - Temperature dropped to -3 and the pipes froze, no water for cooking or washing.  Then the damned calorifier sprang a leak.  The central heating now doesn’t work.  Called the local marina for a marine engineer and had to wait 14 hours for him to arrive.  He only charged me £400 to repair the system.  Who said this boating would be fun and exciting!

Friday - Warmed up to above -2. Still snowed in.  THE B**** is driving me crazy!!!

Saturday - Four more inches. Bill says I have to sweep the roof of snow or the boat will roll over. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? 

Sunday – Boat tipped over against the towpath breaking all the crockery and smashing a large dent in the side of the cabin.  I beat up the snowplough driver and he is now suing me for a £1m---not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ar**.  The wife  went home to her mother.  Nine inches predicted. 

Monday - I set fire to the boat.  No more shovelling. 

Tuesday - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


Andy Healey said...

Excellent story, after having to drive through he b---y stuff at 6-30 every morning in N orfolk this week I feel like that.
NB Centurion

Dave Smith said...

love the story !! :)